So in Love

There have been times in the last 20 years, many in fact, when I have wanted to choke my husband. There have been more than a few times where I would easily have punched him in the jaw if I were another type of person. And there have been a few rare moments, scary moments, when I felt that we would never last, that our days together were surely numbered.

But then there are moments like this morning, and they're not rare, to be honest, where we're lying in our bed, our bare, warm skin pressed tightly to each other's, our legs intertwined and our arms around each other, where his head in resting on my chest and I can smell his shampoo and feel his soft hair against my chin, and my hand is running down his back, and his large hands are stroking my own skin, and I feel.....whole.

And we whisper things to each other in the dawn, and remind the other of how much we love, and how much we want, and how much we mean to each other.

It's moments like this morning that makes the other stuff seem so...unimportant. Those quiet moments when we are alone and we are one, even without lovemaking, mean more than so many other moments spent angry, or hurt, or sad or indifferent. They are the moments when we both know we are loved.

And now that I've gotten that out of my system, you may return to your regularly scheduled program. LOL

Yes, even I have my moments of mush. Sue me. LOL

A Break in the Clouds

I'm better tonight. No sense in being angry forever. It's a waste of energy. I'm still hurt that I was denied a potentially great opportunity, but I'm trying to maintain the belief that another will come along.

It's just that finding a name for yourself is so hard in this business. When the chance comes along, you have to grab them...or just hope for another to come along later. I hate that. What if one doesn't come along later? Of course, that's negative thinking, but it's hard to avoid that tiny voice that creeps into your mind, telling you it will never happen.

But of course, a writer can't think that way. In fact, anyone trying to get anywhere in life can't think that way. Not continually.

So I won't. What's done is done and I have to keep trying. So I will. But it still sucks.

One Chance

I'm sad today. I have been for a few days and I can't seem to shake it. I'm on the verge of tears even now, full of anger, depression, bitterness, frustration.

I had started the week with a feeling something good was going to happen. And it did. A magazine that I had been wanting to write for for over a year, one that had completely ignored my clips and resumes and e-mails in the past, e-mailed me this week saying they wanted me. They liked my new column and they wanted me to do a freelance gig and write a feature story for their holiday edition. This was a huge deal for me. This is a huge magazine in New England. I was over the moon.

In good faith, I made my current employer aware of it, as it is policy for them to know about any freelance work. Knowing, as an employee in good standing, and that my boss knew that I needed the excellent money they were going to pay me (plus expenses, no less), I felt they surely wouldn't have a problem with it.

They did. I was told that this magazine is a competitor of our newspaper (which was news to me) and that they would not give me the okay to do it. I couldn't do it under a pen name because I would still be writing for the competition, and that is not allowed. I certainly can't afford to quit my full time job for one writing gig, even though it may be the beginning of a larger and better future for me....or it may be just one story. I can't take that chance. I have a family to think of. And even though I have considered the fact that if ONE big magazine likes me, chances are another one might also, that optimism didn't last.

So I am in a dark place these last few days, full of resentment. That black cloud is hanging over my head tonight and I have already pissed off my husband enough that he isn't speaking to me. I resent my employer for denying me this chance....a chance to be something better, a chance that I have no idea if or when it may come again. I am feeling resentful and unappreciated and angry. I hope this goes away soon. I hate feeling this way. It's not me.

I can only keep on trying. And I will.