One Chance

I'm sad today. I have been for a few days and I can't seem to shake it. I'm on the verge of tears even now, full of anger, depression, bitterness, frustration.

I had started the week with a feeling something good was going to happen. And it did. A magazine that I had been wanting to write for for over a year, one that had completely ignored my clips and resumes and e-mails in the past, e-mailed me this week saying they wanted me. They liked my new column and they wanted me to do a freelance gig and write a feature story for their holiday edition. This was a huge deal for me. This is a huge magazine in New England. I was over the moon.

In good faith, I made my current employer aware of it, as it is policy for them to know about any freelance work. Knowing, as an employee in good standing, and that my boss knew that I needed the excellent money they were going to pay me (plus expenses, no less), I felt they surely wouldn't have a problem with it.

They did. I was told that this magazine is a competitor of our newspaper (which was news to me) and that they would not give me the okay to do it. I couldn't do it under a pen name because I would still be writing for the competition, and that is not allowed. I certainly can't afford to quit my full time job for one writing gig, even though it may be the beginning of a larger and better future for me....or it may be just one story. I can't take that chance. I have a family to think of. And even though I have considered the fact that if ONE big magazine likes me, chances are another one might also, that optimism didn't last.

So I am in a dark place these last few days, full of resentment. That black cloud is hanging over my head tonight and I have already pissed off my husband enough that he isn't speaking to me. I resent my employer for denying me this chance....a chance to be something better, a chance that I have no idea if or when it may come again. I am feeling resentful and unappreciated and angry. I hope this goes away soon. I hate feeling this way. It's not me.

I can only keep on trying. And I will.