Time to live

Today was one of those days where I took a long look at my future. What prompted me to do this was the visit to my aunt in the hospital. She's been very ill with cancer for a very long time. But because of the months I spent at my mother's side as she lay dying, I delayed it. And delayed it. I felt awful about it, but I was afraid of what I might see when I did see her. And it was worse than I ever expected.

My aunt, my mother's younger sister, has been one of the two most influential women in my life. My relationship with her has always been a good one, a fun one. She is not only my aunt and my Godmother, but a friend as well. She was the yin to my mother's yang, and on more than one occasion in my life, she had run referee between my mother and myself when I was growing up. She is a rare and beautiful person inside and out, full of life and always enjoying it.

When I came home today, I went out with Jim for a ride...to vent, to describe, to cry. The worst of it was when I shared my fear that THIS - the fates of both my mother and my aunt - is what I have to look forward to. I choked out that one day that would be me in the hospital bed, gasping for air and at the mercy of breathing tubes and chemicals and intravenous liquids to keep me alive. And the fact that these women were still relatively young when they were diagnosed (my mother was 69 and I believe my aunt was only 64 or 65 at the time) prompts me to think about what the next 20 years will bring me. Or if I even have 20 years.

I know, of course, that none of us can predict the end of our lives or how we'll exit this existence. But with both women so closely related to me suffering the fate of cancer, albeit in different forms, I know my chances are greatly increased of meeting a similar fate. In fact, a few weeks ago, I had a dream in which I was in the shower, shaving my legs, when clumps of long red hair began falling from my head. Each time I pulled a tangled clump from my leg, another would fall. That dream has been haunting me for weeks. I haven't spoken a word of it to anyone until now. What a cheerful thought. Bet you're glad I shared, eh? lol

So now, what I'm thinking is, it's time to stop obsessing and start enjoying, as much as possible. It's time to stop being afraid of what might or might not happen, and start embracing the gifts that have been given to me. It's time to stop analyzing, and overanalyzing, and putting everything under a miscroscope, and instead welcome with open arms the adventures and opportunities and blessings that God has deemed fit to place in my life for whatever reasons. It's time to not only tell people I love them, but to show it. It's time to do more unto others than I would expect them to do unto me.

It's time to live...for however long I may have it.