For my friends

When I wrote my last post, I was full of self pity. It was a rare day when everything seemed to go wrong, all of the hardships of the past few months were beginning to catch up, I felt invisible, overlooked, and I was having a really hard time dealing with the loss of my mother.

But as 2009 draws to a close, I've been thinking not about all of the tough experiences we went through in my family, but of all of the good things that have happened this year. It would appear that all the bad would easily eclipse the good, I know, and as anyone who knows me would agree. We've had more than our fair share.

And yet....I conjure up the faces of people who have touched my life this year, some of whom I've known forever, some only in the last few years, and even a couple of surprises from the past, long forgotten, who have reappeared and made a place for themselves in my life, and I can't help but smile just thinking about them.

Through all the tears and pain 2009 has brought into my world, there have been equal, if not greater amounts of laughter and smiles and joy.

So I suppose it's appropriate, with Thanksgiving coming next week, for me to say thank you to these incredible, crazy, beautiful friends who know me...and like me anyway. lol

May God bless you all, as well as your loved ones, and thank you so much for being in my life.

Ann

Care not

I've been sitting in front of this screen for quite a while now, not knowing exactly what I wanted to say, or how I wanted to begin. So I'll wing it.


My mother died last month. I've been dealing with her death pretty well, I think, but there are times when I really miss her. I came home from work today, in an awful mood, thinking I needed to call her. But then I remembered she wasn't there. And that felt like a punch to my gut.


Today started out as a very good day for me. I turned 40 today. And I don't look at that with any kind of regret or fear, but with excitement at what's to come for me in the next pages of my life. I was in a great mood.


But as I drove home this evening, I felt....disappointed...let down...and maybe a little invisible. I thought about my father this past weekend, when my brother reminded him that my birthday was today, shrugging his shoulders and saying, "So?" That really stung. And when I tried to take his arm as we walked to a restaurant, he shook me off. That hurt.


And today, a very good friend of mine, someone I had spent time looking for just the right birthday card for a few months ago, didn't even remember mine was today. Had no idea. As childish as it may sound, I felt like...an afterthought. Because I was. And that stung too. As many of my friends and acquantances sent well wishes, which I was very touched by, I was still stung by this one person's lack of care.

I know people are busy, and their minds are occupied with other things, but I also feel that no one is too busy to make a small effort. I try to, and I often think I don't do enough. Why, then, is it so hard for others to make the same effort?


I drove home wishing I could learn how to just not care anymore, because caring often leads to disappointment. You'd think it was easy, so many people do it. But I can't imagine myself approaching any experience in life without care.


Work, friendship, experiences, sex....people have these things all the time with hardly a care.

We've almost obliterated all forms of politeness from our daily lives, that it seems almost NORMAL not to care. I just can't understand that.

I wonder how people go through life, with no passion or opinion one way or another on things. Indifference, in my eyes, is like a disease....something we need to recover from. People need that human touch...that kind word...that small compliment. We need them. Because we all feel.


Well, I can see that what I've written reflects exactly what's in my head at the moment - complete disorder. lol Hopefully my next entry will be written with a clear mind. :)