The icing on the big, fat, horrible cake

Today just happened to be one of those awful days you sometimes have.

I thought I'd been handling the trials in my life pretty well lately, with all that's been going on. My husband is still unable to find a job after four months, and although he's holding up pretty well, I can see the panic there just beneath the surface on any given day. My mother is getting worse now, with a chronic cough and the chemo making her very sick. There are other things going on too, lesser things, but still big enough to buzz around in my brain, constantly reminding me of their presence.

But still, I even wondered myself lately at how well I seemed to be handling things. It was with an almost freakish calm. I just assumed someone up there was giving me the strength I needed to deal.

And then the call came last night. A very close relative of mine told me his marriage may be coming to an end. I could hear in his voice every single emotion he was feeling, and I could feel it all...fear, shock, frustration, anger, bitterness, confusion...all of it, including just an edge of potential hysteria. It almost knocked the wind out of me.

For someone like me, who feels the emotions of others so much, things can sometimes be...well...a bit difficult. I can't just listen to someone with detachment. I feel what they feel. Maybe to a slightly lesser degree, but still...the pain, the joy, the hurt, the loss...it takes its toll now and then. Not often, but now and then.

And last night's call was the icing on the cake. As the day dragged on today, I felt the emotions trying to bubble up to the surface, threatening to overwhelm me. It was just too much all at once. I had enough on my plate to deal with. And I came home, got my husband alone, and completely broke down.

So. It's over for the moment. I'm relatively calm again. I know the storm isn't over...far from it. But I'll sleep off today's panic and hopefully, tomorrow will be a brighter day.