Care not

I've been sitting in front of this screen for quite a while now, not knowing exactly what I wanted to say, or how I wanted to begin. So I'll wing it.


My mother died last month. I've been dealing with her death pretty well, I think, but there are times when I really miss her. I came home from work today, in an awful mood, thinking I needed to call her. But then I remembered she wasn't there. And that felt like a punch to my gut.


Today started out as a very good day for me. I turned 40 today. And I don't look at that with any kind of regret or fear, but with excitement at what's to come for me in the next pages of my life. I was in a great mood.


But as I drove home this evening, I felt....disappointed...let down...and maybe a little invisible. I thought about my father this past weekend, when my brother reminded him that my birthday was today, shrugging his shoulders and saying, "So?" That really stung. And when I tried to take his arm as we walked to a restaurant, he shook me off. That hurt.


And today, a very good friend of mine, someone I had spent time looking for just the right birthday card for a few months ago, didn't even remember mine was today. Had no idea. As childish as it may sound, I felt like...an afterthought. Because I was. And that stung too. As many of my friends and acquantances sent well wishes, which I was very touched by, I was still stung by this one person's lack of care.

I know people are busy, and their minds are occupied with other things, but I also feel that no one is too busy to make a small effort. I try to, and I often think I don't do enough. Why, then, is it so hard for others to make the same effort?


I drove home wishing I could learn how to just not care anymore, because caring often leads to disappointment. You'd think it was easy, so many people do it. But I can't imagine myself approaching any experience in life without care.


Work, friendship, experiences, sex....people have these things all the time with hardly a care.

We've almost obliterated all forms of politeness from our daily lives, that it seems almost NORMAL not to care. I just can't understand that.

I wonder how people go through life, with no passion or opinion one way or another on things. Indifference, in my eyes, is like a disease....something we need to recover from. People need that human touch...that kind word...that small compliment. We need them. Because we all feel.


Well, I can see that what I've written reflects exactly what's in my head at the moment - complete disorder. lol Hopefully my next entry will be written with a clear mind. :)