Testing the waters

I've been thinking a lot lately about my childhood and my teen years.


Of course, most of it stems from my mother's illness. I know that. Memories have begun trickling back to me, a little here, a little there, bringing me home again and again to my past.


I've forgotten most of it. I was telling a friend recently, someone whom I haven't seen in over 20 years until we met again recently on Facebook, that I have maybe a handful of clear moments where I can remember all the details...a person's face, an expression, a place I'd been many times...I can even remember they way people moved when they walked. I remember the way I felt about people...the crushes, the friendships, the rivalries...all the teen angst you could cram in there. But the rest is shadow, brief flashes, and bit and pieces.

When I was a teenager, my parents forbid me to date until I was 16, and even then, they had a set of rules laid out that they fully expected to me abide by. Of course, being that teenager, I ignored most of it, and did whatever the hell I wanted. When I was 16, and the acne had mostly cleared up, I had a job and could afford my own clothes, and I learned how to better take care of my appearance, I began to test the waters.


I was a huge flirt in those days. There's no denying it. I've never been a shy person in any sense of the word, and I was unstoppable. And it wasn't that I actually knew what I was doing. I had practically no idea. But I liked boys...a lot...and I had no shame at all when it came to flirting. Kissing was my favorite pastime. It sometimes earned me a negative and undeserved reputation, true, but it was my way of trying someone on to see how they fit. And hell, I just liked it. LOL

But those days of flirting were as brief as they were intense (and in some cases, insane). I met my future husband at 17 and have been by his side ever since.


But now that I've been prompted to take those glances backward, and although I sometimes look back at someone or other from that time, and wonder where in life they might be now, and reminisce on the moments we may have (or may not have) had together, I don't have any doubts at all about the person who is by my side being the right one.


I tell my husband all the time how lucky he is to have me. LOL He might disagree with this on occasion, and he makes jokes about it, but ...as we look around at our married (and several formerly married) friends... I know he knows it's true.


I don't waste time wondering about what might have been with those relationships or crushes from the past, because I don't know what kind of partner I would have made for any of them, or what kind they would have made for me, nor will I ever know. I only know that I'm a good partner for the one I married.


I may have made a terrible partner for someone else...who knows? And I like to tell myself that ALL of them missed out on something good with me, although that's only for the sake of my own ego. LOL ;)


I guess my point is, although I've been looking back a lot lately, it doesn't prevent me from looking forward to all the years ahead that I hope he and I have together. And we have been through more in over 20 years than most people or couples will experience in their lifetimes.

My parents have been married for over 40 years, through thick and thin, through everything. And suddenly, now especially, it doesn't seem long enough.