Paying the price

My heart is so heavy today. I see my loved one beginning to sink into that black hole and I can't seem to find the words to comfort him.

One of the biggest differences between my husband and I has always been the fact that he looks back and I look forward. He dwells on past mistakes we've made, regrets, things we should've done better, things we should've prepared for, and he lets them overwhelm him.

I refuse to dwell on past mistakes because, although I would agree that we can learn from them, dwelling on them only prevents a person from appreciating the here and now, as well as looking forward to the future. Why can't he see that?

I have everything I've ever wanted: two beautiful children who bring us a lot of happiness, a perfect little house that I can't wait to return to each day, we live in a great neighborhood, I have a job that I still enjoy after 6 and half years, I'm a published writer, and I have a husband who still loves me, even after all these years...who makes me feel like a supermodel (even though I'm clearly not) every time I'm in his arms.

And even though he does see all of these blessings, he regrets the things we do not have...a bigger house, more money to pay bills and travel more, and financial security. He rehashes the things we should have done better, or smarter, in the past.

Sure we have bills. Too many. We made stupid mistakes and we have to deal with that, however much it will hurt. But I can't live life on could have's or should have's. The past is what it is, and we can only go forward. We're human. Everyone makes stupid mistakes. Learn from the past and move on.

We've had our share of unfortunate events in the last two weeks. More than anyone should have in such a short period of time. I believe he sees it as just a few more things to add to an already existing pile of shit. I see them as temporary hard times that will have to be dealt with, but already with my eye past them, to the future, when things will be good again.

I can't help it. That's just me. I'm not naive. I'm hopeful.

We have had a good life up until now, with many blessings. He just doesn't think that way though. He sees only the mistakes...and what we don't have...and what he can't give us. Why can't he see that I love our life? Our kids don't want for anything they need. They're happy and healthy. What more could a parent ask for? I have absolutely no desire to have a bigger house. I loved our house from the second we saw it.

I know he wants more for us, and more from life, and for things to be easier for all of us. Everyone wants that for their families, and I understand that. But you just can't go through life looking back over your shoulder. You won't enjoy it that way.

How can I make him see this? What words can I say that I haven't already said? How do I keep him tethered to the present when he insists on living over the past again and again? How do I convince him that this will only hurt him, when he already knows it?

Sigh.

How do I bring him out of this?